


sunflowers

by carstairstar



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-07-03 23:15:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15828915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carstairstar/pseuds/carstairstar
Summary: When you meet your soulmate, you're not longer able to feel any pain or suffering.However, Jinsoul had the unhappiness to be born with two soulmates.





	sunflowers

Sunflowers are drawn to the sun like soulmates are drawn to each other.

As these flowers need the sun so they can grow and bloom, one soul needs another to become complete.

Soulmates are persons perfectly designed for each other. Once they meet, they become one and, as their souls turn stronger, they are unable to feel any pain or suffering.

Soulmates are supposed to be supportive and the source of happiness for one another. One must stand beside and take care for the person who was crafted for them by the universe. Soulmates have a soul connection, invisible strings that tie them together. You can only live a happy and bright life when you meet the person who was assigned for you.

For this, people live hastily, always moving too fast, always talking too much. Working hard to find their soulmates, once they're the key for the suffering to stop.

Your soulmate is the most important thing in life. Your soul, as a sole entity, is weak. It need its mate so it can become faultless. When you take too long to find your missing half, your body starts feeling the symptoms. Bruises on your skin, loss of your senses, organs failing. The world becomes blurred as your soul gets tired of waiting.

When your soul loses hope, you're dead.

__

Jinsoul was late to school on that day, as she often was. The city moved too fast, people passing by, bumping into each other and going away without even apologizing. There was no more looking in the eye, there was no more romance.

Little Jinsoul used to dream about the day when she would finally meet her soulmate. She wondered if it would be fairytale-like and spent hours everyday daydreaming about each detail - the way they'd hold hands, lock eyes, lean into each other. As time passed by, she noticed it was too far from reality.

People didn't care much about their soulmates, not in the romantic way. They obviously wanted to find their mates because, more than a desire, it was a necessity. Finding your person was the only way to guarantee that your heart would keep beating.

As Jinsoul walked to school - her hands in the pockets of her hoodie in a trial to keep their warmth - she though that this was nonsense. Why would you want to be alive in a world like that, after all? To dedicate your life on studies for many years and then work like a slave in something you don't even like so you can have the money to eat two meals a day?

That kind of reality wasn't made for her. It was right that she was a hopeless romantic, but she saw more than the love itself. She wasn't romantic in the sense of being lost in unreal thoughs, wanting something that she would never reach.

She was romantic in the sense of seeing more than other people seemed to. In seeing beauty in the little things - even in pain. She wanted to find her soulmate because she was ready for the happiness it will bring her (and she knew you see things differently when you're in a good mood).

In fact, Jinsoul just wanted to have something to go for in the end of the day. Wanted to have an objective greater than that generic stuff people wished so badly. What could be bigger, what could be more meaningful than making someone smile?

That was just what Jinsoul wanted.

So, she was surprised when she felt the butterflies in her stomach as she saw the girl on metro station.

"How funny" she though. Jinsoul was just thinking about soulmates one minute before and then, as she approached the platform, she looked into that girl's eyes and she felt it.

Jinsoul immediatly knew she was linked to that girl. The way her body moved forward by itself to get closer couldn't be mistaken. Her soul jumping inside, as if it couldn't wait to get out to meet its mate.

"Hm, excuse me." Jinsoul said, when she was close enough to the girl.

She looked at Jinsoul and in that moment, it was noticeable that something was wrong. The girl's eyes weren't shining bright. Her body wasn't responding to Jinsoul's presence and it was not what was supposed to happen.

"I think you're my soulmate."

Jinsoul couldn't quite understand what was happening when the girl gifted her a disoriented look.

"I think you must be confused."

In contractidion to the euphory, Jinsoul's soul transformed into a melancholic mess as she stood in the platform, watching the girl going away.

"It is impossible for the universe to fail like that" the older ones would tell her. But no one had a good explanation either, and so, she was left confused and abandoned as her soul started to slowly melt away.

She was linked to that girl and she knew it. She knew it because just three months after she saw the girl, several tons of purple started to appear on her thighs.

When your soul is disappointed, it hurts itself.

____

Three years had passed by and Jinsoul's state couldn't be worse.

Actually, it could, but she didn't like thinking about the possibilities.

Had the universe failed with her so miserably?

She was losing her vision, seeing only small dots of light. Her legs were weak too, and her only desire was to stay on bed the whole day. Obviously, her mother wouldn't allow her to.

Jinsoul got used to the scent of lavender since the day she spilled perfume all over her pillow (because she was shaking too hard and accidentally let the bottle slip from her hands) and she used it to calm herself down in the nights where sleep wasn't going to happen. Cuddled in bed, holding her pillow tight as if it could scape from her hands, and sobbing. She tried to cry silently to not disturb anyone but it was harder then it seemed to be.

The fact that she had too much pain bottled up in her chest wasn't helping either.

The days were boring and the nights were exhausting. It had been one month since Jinsoul slept more than five hours. The rest of the her time spent on nothing.

Her mother tried to make her go to college, but she wasn't willing to. Almost blind, too hurt to walk and without the right mind to it. Life had just lost its color and the Jinsoul who once dreamed about finding her soulmate became a hopeless person.

However, her soul still had faith.

Slowly, Jinsoul learned that you can have a soulmate and not be the person's soulmate.  
Like the girl on metro station. It just happened that the girl was Jinsoul's soulmate, but Jinsoul wasn't the girl's soulmate.  
Actually, there was no way she could be sure of that, since she was the first case she ever saw, but she made that up to comfort her melancholic soul.

This happened a while before, when Jinsoul still walked freely on the street, went on coffee shops and talked to people. Back to the days when, even though she was hurt, she still had the energy needed to look for her missing piece.

But now the emptiness inside seemed to be better shelter. With the loneliness she felt at peace and she couldn't wish for anything more

(in fact, she would be grateful if her muscles stopped hurting so badly)

___

Jinsoul had to use crutches.

She was happy that she was still able to walk, after all.

Jinsoul could try to convince herself all she wanted that she had lost hope and that she would never look for her soulmate anymore but in the end, in the bottom of her heart, she was still the optismitc she always was.

Her soul knew that and that's why it wouln't let Jinsoul give up totally. Her soul was willing - although she was not - to keep on trying, to keep on searching on stranger's faces for its missing part. The universe knew Jinsoul just had to be pushed and so, it made her want more.

Suddenly, Jinsoul didn't want to just sit at home with her arms crossed. The wild spirit inside her was asking for air, asking to freely walk around the city - just like she used to do.

Jinsoul put the most comfortable clothes she could find. She couldn't analyze their beauty, so she had to settle to what felt better.

The crutches helped her move around. She wasn't totally blind but it was too risky to go out without it. Jinsoul wasn't planning to go far either, just walk around her neighbourhood - it would be enough.

In a Saturday morning, Jinsoul left her house (spontaneously) for the first time in years. For some reason, the sun felt perfect as it hit her skin, transposing her muscles, getting into her bones. It seemed to give her strenght and the soft breeze was blowing her hair, turning it into a mess, but it made no matter once Jinsoul was actually laughing at it. All the negativity was left aside as the girl just put one feet and then other on the ground, stepping firmly to avoid falling down.

Jinsoul was so distracted with the ambient in general that she got startled when she felt that thing again.

Mainly because she wasn't expecting to feel that ever again.

Her part of the string was being pulled and, unconsciously, she changed routes and walked to where her soul indicated her to.

Just like when a kid see a toy in a store and crazily chases it.

The feelings were making her nauseous. There were too many different emotions to process and while her soul seemed to be having a good time, her mind was collapsing. She was caught out of guard when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Excuse me." The voice coming through her ears was so beautifully soft, like it was handcrafted, made carefully so it could be perfect. Jinsoul never though her entire body would respond to a voice. To a sound.

She turned to face the girl, although she couldn't actually see her.

"I think you're my soulmate."

The words hit Jinsoul in the stomach. She knew it was it but in the moment the letters were pronounced it became real. The overdose of emotions were too much for Jinsoul to handle, and she felt her legs failing on her, as she started falling to the ground.

Thankfully, the girl held her on time.

"I'm sorry." Jinsoul excused herself. It was really a bad first impression, her soulmate would think she was clumsy.

But at the same time, soulmates were made to not care about your mistakes and support you in all times and situations.

So the girl just smiled. And even if Jinsoul wasn't able to see it, it seemed like her soul was and the butterflies in her stomach started flying around her lungs too, robbing her air, leaving her breathless.

"It's ok."

Jinsoul could feel her eyes filling with tears. She didn't want to cry in front of her soulmate, not in their first meeting. So she did her best to keep her composure and send the tears away.

"It's not ok. I'm sorry again." Jinsoul's heart was actually aching at this point. Mixed with the confusion in her mind and the tears that wanted so badly to escape from her eyes. Her soul was giggling in excitement but the poor Jinsoul couldn't feel worse.

"It truly is ok. By the way, my name is Jungeun."

Jungeun. Even her name sounded smooth. She was wondering how the girl must have looked like.

"Nice to meet you Jungeun." She was fighting with the ghosts inside of her, trying to get the control of herself back so she could talk properly with the girl. She lifted her head, making her best to look like she was fierce - and not actually losing control - "I'm Jinsoul, glad to meet you."

____

Jinsoul was alone in her room at night, being highly disturbed by her own soul, that was shining so brightly, making unbearable noises.

Only she could sense it, though. This was the worst part because it stayed all inside of her, stuck in her guts and there was not a discharge valve that she could simply pull and make things ok again. Not that things were ok before, but it was incomparably more peaceful when there was no sign of her soulmate.

Although, the girl she met on metro station was her soulmate too and Jinsoul could not forgot her in all of those years. She was part of her being too, so it was not a choice she could make.

In fact, she was happy that she found her soulmate. Or at least trying to be. It seemed that she was ungrateful but that was not it.

Jinsoul had gained hope again. When you meet your soulmate, it doesn't matter how bad your current state are, you return to what you were originally.

She felt guilty because she used to judge people when she was younger. Judge them because they only wanted their soulmates to ease the pain. And now it was exactly what she was doing. She wanted Jungeun so she could see again, she wanted Jungeun so she could walk again without the crutches. She wanted Jungeun so she could be Jinsoul again, the bright and cheerful Jinsoul that died right after she locked eyes with a random girl on metro.

Jinsoul didn't know if she should be mad at herself for being so selfish or if she should be happy for finally getting a solution to her life. She was only considering part of it, obviously. The part where she could take profit of Jungeun.

She just wanted to get better and then, she would to her best to make Jungeun smile everyday, which was what she wanted at first.

(back to when she still had the energy needed to daydream about fairytales and the mystic features of the universe on putting soulmates together).

Jungeun. After thinking so much of that girl she wanted to try saying her name out loud.

Jungeun. She liked how she had to totally open her mouth at first and slowly close it, as the word was losing its force. Jungeun, which sound echoed in the whole room, thriving in every corner and returning to her. She felt the impact when the syllables made their way towards her, filling her up, intoxicating her.

She wondered if Jungeun's name was so poisonous to someone else. Probably not.

Jinsoul could say that she was the only person clueless enough to let herself be affected by simple names. But she knew it better. Names were powerful, just like magic spells.

Jungeun. That name made Jinsoul's heart hurt again, after repeatig it so many times. Maybe she had enough on thinking about Jungeun.

She could occupy her mind with her the next day.

Even then, she couldn't sleep.

___

Jinsoul had accepted the fact that Jungeun was destined to her a long time ago, but it didn't make things change. Her vision was still as bad and the scars on her skin were only getting worse. She was tired of spending the day wondering when would she get better. When would she be able to see Jungeun's face.

"You'll be a different person when you wake up." Jungeun would say to her after hearing her complains for a long while. In this specific day, Jinsoul her her head lied in her soulmate's lap.

"I can't quite see how this is possible." Jinsoul was upset and she didn't bother enough to hide it. This made Jungeun's heart ache, but she was good in pretending everything was fine. For Jinsoul.

"It is. People change so frequently that there's something new to learn from them everyday."

Soulmates can feel the pain from one another. Jungeun was aware of the suffering Jinsoul was submitted to, even if the younger one didn't know about this (or maybe she knew but didn't care enough). Jungeun couldn't understand why Jinsoul was so bad to her. She was too sensitive and was always trying to help, but her soulmate didn't seem to considerate her efforts. Jungeun often though that maybe she was wrong and Jinsoul wasn't her soulmate.

How could the universe be so cruel to link her to a person who was so self-centered, so unaware of how her actions hurt others?

Jungeun understood Jinsoul was bitter and she knew that the girl had the right to. She was hurting way too much.

Even if Jungeun could stand the pain well - and maybe even better than Jinsoul - she wished her soulmate would see that she was hurting too.

Anyway, Jungeun followed her days as if it was nothing. Her soul was content to have Jinsoul near and so, she was happy too.

Jinsoul was her source of happiness as much as she was her source of pain.

She spent the day with her soulmate, trying to reassure her that everything would be fine in the end (when even she wasn't sure so). It just felt right to have Jinsoul in her arms. It felt right to hold her tight and kiss her soft lips. She liked the lavander scent in Jinsoul's neck and she liked even more the fact that only she was able to smell it.

In conclusion: she liked Jinsoul.

Most people - mainly kids - would often mistakes soulmates with lovers. You don't necessarily love your soulmate. It can or cannot happen. You just feel at peace while being around them, you feel safe and at home because they're your anchor in the end of the day, they're what makes you be sure that life is worthy and life is good.

You don't necessarily love your soulmate. But Jungeun did. And she couldn't stop thinking about it while she stared at Jinsoul's face, analyzing every little part of it, searching for imperfections (but even the pimple on her temple was cute).

Jungeun was the type that gets attached too easily, for it she was afraid that her heart would end up being hurt.

She fell asleep on the couch, with Jinsoul laying on her lap, wondering if it was possible to have your heart broke by your soulmate. By the person who was assigned by the universe to protect and support you.

___

Jinsoul was melancholic and Jungeun didn't know what to do to help.

Her presence was enough to light Jinsoul's mood, but she wanted to do more. It was her task to make her soulmate feel well and she couldn't even do that, as Jinsoul refused to go on walks and talk.

How was she supposed to do something if Jinsoul didn't want her to?

It was a push and pull situation - it had always been. The fact that they are soulmates pull them together but the cold treatment that Jinsoul directs to Jungeun pushes them apart.

They had a lot of soft and lovely moments. But those were becoming more scarce as time passed by. This was also due to Jinsoul's state. She had become totally blind, her organs couldn't function properly and the bruises were terrible. She often stated that she didn't want Jungeun to look at her (because she was ugly) but Jungeun couldn't care less about her soulmate's appearence. She just wanted to be around and help her feel better.

However, Jinsoul started thinking that she deserved the pain she was going through. There must have been a reason for the universe to curse her like that and the fact that she didn't get any better even after finding her soulmate just reinforced her theory. If she was deserving of the suffering, then she couldn't let Jungeun drown with her.

She appreciated Jungeun's efforts, but she couldn't let the girl get closer. The distance was the safest for them, even if her soul screamed that she wanted Jungeun and she really wanted; she missed Jungeun stroking her hair and telling her things would be fine (Jinsoul didn't care if she lied). She missed Jungeun waking her up in the morning with soft kisses on her cheeks. She missed Jungeun's vanilla scent and missed Jungeun's hugs and missed… Jungeun.

Jinsoul was crying in the corner of her room, thinking that it wouldn't hurt to be with Jungeun one more time. It couldn't be bad to hold her hands once more and tell her she loved her (because she never did it before and she was sure that Jungeun didn't know). The tears were occupying her eyes but it made no difference whatsoever, her entire world was black now.

With her crutches, she made her way at the couch were Jungeun was sleeping. She softly touched the girl, trying to wake her up.

Jungeun was startled to see Jinsoul beside her. Her soul telling her what it wanted but the girl willing to ignore it. As much as her soul wanted to get closer, she had to respect Jinsoul's personal space.

She definitly wasn't waiting for Jinsoul to hug her. And wasn't waiting for her shirt to get wet because of the tears the younger one was crying. She tried to comfort her, but Jinsoul just held her - like a baby koala would do with its mom. She held her and whispered in her ear with such a low tone that she had to stop breathing to be able to hear it.

"I love you. I really, really do. I'm sorry if I never demonstrate before. I'm so scared"

Jungeun was now crying too, dangling the girl next to her slightly, as if she was the most important thing in the world. And she, in fact, was.

Jungeun's embrace was tight and warm, a good place to be into. Jinsoul let herself drown in the older one's arms, losing herself, disappearing.

Jungeun was breathing every small piece of Jinsoul in. Allowing herself to be intoxicated by the girl's fragrance. The lavander that was, undoubtedly, Jinsoul's mark.

They slept together on the couch, losing their senses on each other, letting themselves drown together. If there was a hell for those who loved too much, they didn't care being send to there.

___

The sun was shining bright and the day was beautiful when Jinsoul moved into the hospital. Jungeun thought that this was a terrible joke; it was not even funny at all.

Jinsoul's organs couldn't work properly and she was connected on life support. All of her breathes were generated by a machine and this was so saddening to Jungeun, who saw the love of her life, her one and only soulmate, drifting away like that. Jinsoul was slowly leaving her, she knew this, and there’s nothing that could be done to avoid it from happening.

Jungeun went to the hospital every single day. Her link with Jinsoul didn't allow them to be distant for a long time (and also, it would mean the absolute end for the girl, as her state would get worse as the days passes) and she wanted to be there, because she loved Jinsoul so much and she wanted her to know this, she wanted to make Jinsoul see that she was adored.

But every time she went there, Jinsoul was asleep. The pain was too much for her to stand, the doctors said, and like this she’s always sedated. Jungeun couldn't do nothing but to sit in a chair and watch as the girl serenely sleeps. It hurts Jungeun, it hurts so much.

It hurts to the point where she stopped going.

It’s not beneficial for her to be witnessing as Jinsoul was slowly leaving her life. It was painful and she preferred to lock herself in a room and cry - cry because of the memories, cry because it actually hurts. She waited her whole life for her soulmate, why was the world playing such a prank in her?

The universe commited a mistake with Jungeun and Jinsoul.

They were destined at the same time they weren't. It was confusing, it was dolorous - Jungeun just wanted a good reason why.

She knew what had to be done. She knew how much Jinsoul was suffering, she was almost liveliness. At the same time, that girl was strong. Jungeun's love for her was making her heart shine, was still giving her soul hope and so, Jinsoul could not leave. Not while Jungeun loved her.

Jungeun was the responsible for Jinsoul being alive.

Jungeun couldn't stand the love of her life suffering so much exclusively because of her. It was her fault that Jinsoul was feeling so much pain.

Both souls were sad, being involved in the darkness of the world. They were soulmates to avoid the human suffering but it was too much for both of them to endure, it was making them sick.

Jungeun's body was filled with scars. She was hurting herself. She was punishing herself for not being enough for Jinsoul, for letting her soulmate hurt like that. She wished she could take her heart off. She wished things could be simple like that.

Jungeun's days were based on thinking about Jinsoul. And for loving Jinsoul so much, she knew something had to be made.

___

Thinking about this, she decided to go back to the hospital. She spent hours waiting for Jinsoul to wake up, and when she did her voice was so low and hoarse (the girl herself was really weak and thin, a painful look in her face) and it broke Jungeun's heart.

She approached slowly and grabbed Jinsoul's hand.  
"J-jungeun?" The fact that Jinsoul took half a minute to say her name made the tears start forming in her eyes. But she couldn't cry, she couldn't. It was hurtful enough.

"Yes, it's me. I came to see you."

"I missed you." Jinsoul was pushing herself too much just to speak a short sentence. Jungeun didn't fail to squish Jinsoul's hand. It was pale and cold and the girl was startled at first, but she got used to the sensation, as her own warmth was being transferred to her soulmate.

"Well, I need to tell you something" she made a brief pause, just to select her words better. She did it so many times already - she created her speech and reviewed it several times - but somehow, it wouldn't come out the way she intended to. Her throat was closing and it was hard to control the tears forming up in her eyes.

"I never loved you, Jinsoul. Never. I always pitied you, you were so sick and I kept wondering why would the universe prank me like that. I deserve so much better. I never loved you." She spoke too fast, the words slipping away of her mind unconsciously. She couldn't even measure the density of what she was saying. Jungeun bit her hand to refrain herself from sobbing.

Jinsoul's face was dark, her eyes were shining and Jungeun knew it was because of the tears. She knew it was her fault and she needed to bit her hand harder, breaking through her skin until it bled. It was the love of her life in front of her. Jinsoul was her sun, her moon, her stars and Jungeum was burning inside, slowly melting.

She was regretting everything. Her lie was heavy in her chest, everything hurting. She just wanted to give Jinsoul a hug but she couldn't. She couldn't, she just wanted to stop Jinsoul's suffering. She wanted her soulmate to go in peace. It hurt more on her than in anyone else.

It was hard but it needed to be done.

"It's ok. I don't judge you." Jinsoul said after a while. Jungeun loosened the grip in their hands. "That's probably why I never healed. I forgive you Jungeun, for lying to me. I love you more than everything, I couldn't be upset even if I tried."

Jinsoul's smile became bigger and Jungeun couldn't resist in anymore. She broke down in tears and runned away, the air disappearing from her lungs as she sprinted the whole way back home. Just after she opened the door, the strenght left her body and she fell on the groud. The tears wouldn't stop coming, her vision was blurred and everything was deteriorating in front of her eyes.

Jungeun crawled to her room. The view outside the window was breathtaking, the dark clouds covering the sky but it wasn't gray, not at all. It had tons of pink here and there as the sun was setting. Jungeun would love to take a picture of that. She wished Jinsoul was there to watch it with her, to see how the hidden beauty in the world.

(Jungeun always worried about showing these things to Jinsoul. Her soulmate's life seemed to be painted in black and white and she did her best to light up her world. The girl couldn't see, but Jungeun worked hard to describe every scene with details.)

But Jinsoul wasn't there.

Jinsoul was dying in a hospital bed, all alone because her soulmate abandoned her.

Her poor Jinsoul, her beloved Jinsoul. Her hand was so small and Jungeun liked holding it because somehow, it gave her courage to keep going. She would cross oceans for Jinsoul, jump inside a volcano just to see the smile shining in the girl's face. There were no words in the entire universe enough to express how much she was hurting in that moment.

  
She tried to avoid it, but the moments they lived together kept on appearing in her mind.

When Jugeun took Jinsoul to a sunflower's field and they danced clumsily between the flowers, before getting too tired even to walk and then laying down in the grass. It was filled with ants but they couldn't care less in that ocasion, while they were losing themselves in each other's mouths, in each other's touches. Jinsoul giggled in the middle of one kiss and Jungeun felt the butterflies consuming her, holding her tight and pressing her more and more against the girl in her arms.

Jinsoul lived because of her. Jinsoul was dying because of her.

Jinsoul, who loved her more than anything.  
Jinsoul, who gave Jungeun the best moments in her life.  
Jinsoul, who was worth dying for.

___

The sun rises on the next day, only to tell the world that Jinsoul and Jungeun are finally going to be happy, her souls together to eternity.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This was a 'drabble' I had for some time now on my drafts and decided to post it today.
> 
> Follow me on twitter if you want, I write aus quite often (@dovecults) and please leave comments, I like to know your responses!


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